


Carry On

by Katelyn_Watson_1991



Series: My Supernatural Life [45]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Awesome Jody Mills, Carry On My Wayward Son, Depression, F/M, Postpartum Depression, Songfic, coping with loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 20:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11608641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katelyn_Watson_1991/pseuds/Katelyn_Watson_1991





	Carry On

This isn’t real. This can’t be real. 

Bobby had been alive not even twelve hours ago. He had been here, we had talked, he hugged me. But now he was gone. 

We made our way to Rufus’s cabin to give him a proper hunter's funeral. I had been to so many in my life, but I never expected to be at my dad’s so soon. I watched the flames as they licked at the sheet that covered Bobby’s body. I felt like it was just a dream I couldn't wake up from. I was going to wake up. This had to just be a bad dream. But it was 100% real. 

Sawyer was standing on my left, tears rolling down her cheeks even though I knew she was trying to stay strong. Sam had a comforting arm around her. I was holding a sleeping baby that would never get to meet his grandfather. Dean was on my other side, holding Abby, who was crying. He pulled me close to him but I felt numbness and almost felt like I was drowning. 

“Kelly, we are going to get through this,” Dean said. 

“I know,” was my only answer. 

Jodi was there as well to pay her respects to Bobby and to try to give me comfort. She did her best but nothing helped. I was in a state of shock and I felt like nothing could pull me out of it, not even the sleeping baby in my arms. The flames started to die out and everyone started to go back into the cabin, but I stood there as if frozen. I couldn’t express my feelings. It was as if God had given me a beautiful gift and then took it and smashed it with a hammer and then gave it back and said, ‘Here, put it back together. Good luck.’ 

Jodi took BJ back inside to get warm, but I stayed outside for long enough for Dean to come out looking for me. I must have been lost in thought because I didn't hear him. 

“Kelly, come inside.” 

His voice made me jump. “No,” I said, my voice low with anger. 

“Sweetheart, come on, it’s freezing out here.” 

“No!” I yelled pushing away from him. “I am staying right here!” 

“Kelly, come on…” Dean said, pleading, pulling me into his arms. 

I fought against his grip on me. “Dean, no! Let me go! Let me go!” I screamed. I was able to pull my arms free and I started hitting him. “He left me, Dean. He left me. He promised he would stay with me. He promised!” I cried, tears rolling down my face. 

“Kelly, I'm not going anywhere. We are going to get through this,” he said, trying to stay calm. 

“I can't do this!” I yelled through my tears. 

“Babe, you can and will,” he said calmly wiping the tears from my cheeks. He let me cry. I felt like I was numb and that I couldn't get out. “Come on, let's go inside.” 

I followed, but something still felt wrong. 

 

*Carry on my wayward son,  
For there'll be peace when you are done  
Lay your weary head to rest  
Don't you cry no more*

 

The days went by and I felt like I was falling slowly down a rabbit hole. My world was all dark. I felt alone in a world full of people. I couldn't take care of Abby or BJ - there was something wrong with me. 

Every time I tried to touch my baby, there was a disconnect. I had never felt like this before. Both my previous pregnancies were so different and now that I was mourning the loss of my dad, it was worse. 

My days were long and eventually, I stopped eating and then I stopped getting out of bed. My bed was the only place I felt safe anymore. I could rest and sleep and dream of my old life with my father. The man who protected me from everything. Who saved me, who cared for me, who died to keep us all safe. I had pushed everyone away from me. I kept them at arm's length to keep me safe and it was hurting everyone. 

It was one of those days where I was lying in bed when Sawyer came into the room and tried to get me out of bed. 

“Kelly, we need you. Abby misses her mommy. Bobby John needs you - he is just a baby. Sam and Dean are trying but they aren't you. I need you, Kelly. I need my best friend.” 

But I didn't respond. Her words echoed in my head and were met by the voices inside my own. ‘Anyone could be a better mom to those kids. They don't need you. Really, Kelly, you could die and be happy. It would be so easy.’ These voices had been saying these things, and I was starting to believe them. 

The next day, Sam came into the room holding Abby. 

“Mommy, will you read to me?” she asked as I rolled over. She climbed on the bed and sat next to me. “Mommy, I miss you. Please, come out and be with me. I need you.” 

I didn't answer her. It was quiet in the room. Then Sam broke the silence. 

“Kelly, please. This family is dealing with loss. We need you back. We will help. You are not alone in this.” 

“No, Sam. I am alone,” I answered. “Now get out.” 

He did, taking Abby with him. She cried. “No, Unca Sam. I want to stay with Mommy.” 

“No, Abigail,” was his answer. 

Then Dean came in, holding little Bobby in his arms. 

“Kelly, I need you. Baby, we all need you. I can't do this alone.” 

I rolled away from him and closed my eyes. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be with my dad. I wanted to be where I felt safe and at home. The only place I felt safe. 

The weeks went by like this. I felt alone, helpless, and worthless. ‘Maybe it would be better if I wasn't here,’ I thought, almost every night right before I would fall asleep. 

 

*Once I rose above the noise and confusion  
Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion  
I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high*

 

The weeks went by and I was still in a dark place. But eventually, I got out of bed. I was more or less a shell of my former self, not connected with anyone. I tried to get more involved, but I was always tired and uninterested. 

Everyone was worried and walking on eggshells around me. I tried to connect with BJ but it was as if there was a wall between us, keeping me disjointed from my baby. It hurt, and I felt like I was worthless and even more broken than before. I retreated back to my room and stayed there for three days. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I couldn't do anything. 

No one came into the room, until eventually, Jody Mills came in and looked at me. She sat on the edge of the bed with a stern look on her face. 

“Kelly, you need to get up and get out of bed,” she said, pulling on the blankets. 

“God, Jody, leave me alone.” 

“Kelly, you have two babies out there and an 18-year old that need you. Now don't make me use my mom voice.” 

“Jody, damn it. I lost my dad. Leave me alone, I'm done. Life is just too fucking hard to deal with. I'm done,” I said, sitting up to face her. 

Jody put her hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eyes. “Yes, life is hard. You have lost a lot, but you need to go out there and be the mom Bobby raised you to be. Not wallow in self-pity. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. He raised you better than that.” She stopped and took a breath. “Kelly, everyone loves you. We will help you through this. Honor Bobby and his memory. It's time to get up. It's time to step up and fight for your dad’s life. He gave you everything. Now do the same for your kids.” 

The room was quiet for a long moment. I looked down at my hands and took a deep breath. “Jody, you're right. It's time…”

 

*Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man  
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man  
I hear the voices when I'm dreamin', I can hear them say*

 

It wasn't easy but I tried to get back into life as normal. I took care of Abby and even started spending more time with BJ. It was a struggle because I still felt like I was a failure, but I had Sam, Dean and Sawyer. 

I had had a good day. We had played outside with the dogs and I talked to BJ and he was laughing and smiling at me melting my heart. Sam and Dean had just gotten back from a hunt. Dean came up to me and smiled. 

“Hey, babe.” 

“Hey.” 

He took Bobby John from me and kissed his head. “Hey, little man. Were you good for mommy?” 

“He was perfect,” I said, smiling at him. Not one of my fake smiles but a 100% real, happy smile. 

“That is amazing news,” he said, kissing me. 

“Dinner's almost ready,” I said, pulling away.

“Taking care of the kids and making us dinner? Wow, I am so glad to be home from the hunt,” Sam said, walking with Abby on his shoulders. 

“Mommy, I'm taller than the house!” Abby giggled. 

“Yes you are, sweetheart,” I smiled at her. “Sam, be careful of my little angel, please.”

“I always am careful with my sweet little Abigail.” 

“Sammy, put her down and take your nephew, he needs some uncle time. I need to talk to Kell,” Dean said handing over our son to Sam. 

Dean pulled me into his arms and whispered to me. “Do you know how good of a mom you are?” He asked; then pulling away slightly he looked me in the eyes. “I know you may not feel like it right now. But, Kelly you are. You are amazing and I am so proud of you. Bobby would be so proud of you.” As he said this I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. Dean moved his hands to my cheeks to wipe away the tears. “Shhhh. It's okay, Kelly,” He pulled me back into his arms and kissed the top of my head. “I'm here, Kelly. I've got you. I'm never letting you go… ever.”

I pulled away from him a little, “Thank you, Dean,” I said getting up on my toes and kissing him. 

 

*Carry on my wayward son,  
For there'll be peace when you are done  
Lay your weary head to rest  
Don't you cry no more*

 

Life was getting better. Every day I looked into Bobby John’s eyes. They were a mirror of mine. They were so blue I felt like I was drowning in them. He was so different from Abby and even Charlie. He was calm, considering Abby had been a handful from the day I brought her home. It was different having a boy so I called Jody for help. 

We were all sitting on the porch when she pulled up. 

“Aunt Jody!” Abby yelled running over to Jody. 

“Hi, Ya, pumpkin!” Jody said picking her up and smiling. “Hey, Kell. How are you and little Bobby doing?” 

“We are good. But I do need some advice on how to raise a little boy. I've only done it for a week before and he was four. I'm afraid I'm going to mess this little man up.” 

“You won't mess him up. Let me give you some pointers. I brought lunch for us.”

“Thank you, Jody. Let's go inside to eat,” I said, smiling at her. “Come on, Abby.” 

We went into the cabin and sat at the kitchen table. Abby sat with Jody and I held BJ in my arms and couldn't take my eyes off of him. We ate the sandwiches and chips and talked about how everyone was doing. We had been talking for a while when Jody stopped and looked at me, smiling. 

“Kelly, you are doing so well. I'm proud of you.” 

“Thanks, Jody,” I said smiling at her. “But, how am I supposed to do this when he gets older?” 

“Well, I will give you some pointers that my mom told me when I was pregnant with Owen,” she said with a smile. “You need to be his advocate. He is normal and awesome. Appreciate he is a boy. A boy's brain is different than a girl’s,” she said, smiling at Abby. “Join his world. Build with him, chase him and pretend to blow things up. It's all pretend and it's all important to him. Give him plenty of exercise, preferably outside. Don't sedate him with ‘screen time’. It makes him punchy and easily distracted,” I nodded at her then looked at BJ, who was now asleep in my arms. Then Jody continued, “Know he will make mistakes. Teach him to repair them, not to feel bad about them. Help him to come up with words that he is feeling. He’ll make a better friend and a great husband. Don't teach him to tune you out. Stop lecturing, say things once and set clear limits,” Jody made full eye contact with me on that last part. “Don't use punishment. He’ll just get really good at lying. Use consequences that are reasonable and related so he’ll grow to be a responsible man. And this is the last thing. Love him, hug him, and hold him way more than you think, especially when he acts tough. That’s when he needs it the most. If you do all that you will do amazing and he will turn out just fine.” 

I couldn't hold back the tears. “Thank you, Jody! You don't understand how much I needed to hear that.” 

“You're welcome, sweetheart.” 

 

*Masquerading as a man with a reason  
My charade is the event of the season  
And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know*

 

BJ was growing and growing, and when he turned two months he had me wrapped around his finger. He just had to smile and I melted. He was also advanced for his age. Holding his head up and even been able to bear weight on his legs. It was an amazing gift to watch him grow. Abby was a huge help with him and loved him so much. I was working hard taking care of him and my family was doing well. I finally felt like I could do it. 

 

*On a stormy sea of moving emotion  
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean  
I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say*

 

Even though life was better, I was still having a little bit of a hard time. It was one of those days that I just wanted to give up. Sam, Dean, and Sawyer were on a job at a Plucky Pennywhistle’s Magical Menagerie. So I was alone with the kids. I was tired and I had been up for almost 24 hours. I had put Abby and BJ down for a nap. I was cleaning the kitchen when I started to cry. I had been crying for a bit when I heard a voice from behind me. 

“Hey, sweetheart. How are you and my little angels doing?” 

I turned and was once again met by the golden eyes of Gabriel. 

I laughed through my tears. “Gabriel! What are you doing here?” I threw my arms around his neck and he held me tightly. 

“I'm here, shhh. Don't cry,” his voice full of concern. 

“Gabe, I've missed you,” I said with a shake in my voice. 

He comforted me and hugged me for a long time. He pulled away from me and looked at my face. “Kelly, you are going to go take a nap while I take care of my little angels.” 

I nodded and nodded my head. He walked me to my bed and kissed my forehead as I started to drift off. “Thanks, Gabe,” I said as I fell asleep. 

I woke up to the sounds of laughter and giggles. “Unca Gabe! More sprinkles!” I rolled over and got out of bed and walked to the kitchen. 

“Mommy! Unca Gabe is here!” Abby yelled as I walked into the room. 

“I know! He is being such a big help,” I said, kissing her cheek. “Thanks, Gabe,” I said taking the smiling baby from him. “Hi, little man.” 

“Kelly, you and that Yahoo Dean sure do make cute kids.” 

“Oh, I know.” 

Gabe promised that if I ever needed some help with the kids he would be here in a pinch. He stayed for a few days and let me rest. It was great having an extra set of hands to help. 

 

*Carry on my wayward son,  
For there'll be peace when you are done  
Lay your weary head to rest  
Don't you cry no more*

 

The weeks went by and little BJ was three months old, still growing and being such a good baby. He was cooing and giggling at different things, making my heart melt. Dean came home to the cabin for a few days. He was having a hard time with finding information on Dick Roman and the Leviathans. 

We had put the kids to bed one night and were sitting in the kitchen. 

“We have to kill that son of a bitch,” I said. 

“I agree, I just wish I knew how,” he answered. 

“I want to be in on this. I'm ready to fight for this family again. I'm done sitting on the sidelines.” 

“I know, we need you. But, think about the babies.” 

“I am. These kids will live in a world without these monsters. We will get through this together. As a family.” 

“Let's do this,” Dean said, leaning over and kissing me. 

 

*Carry on, you will always remember  
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor  
Now your life's no longer empty  
Surely heaven waits for you*

 

I waited another few months to get back into hunting. I was training again and I was almost back to tip top shape. I had had a wonderful day with my kiddos. Playing, singing, cooking, training, dancing, just letting Abby be a kid. Sawyer was back and the boys were on a hunt. That night Sawyer got Abby to sleep, and as I rocked BJ he put his hand on my cheek.

“Mamma,” he cooed at me. 

“Oh, my sweet baby,” I said. 

He smiled at me and cooed. I smiled at him and I started to walk around the room with him while I sang my favorite song. I sang the last line he fell asleep. I put him into the crib and watched him for a moment. 

“Angels are watching over you,” I said, turning off on the night light. 

 

*Carry on my wayward son,  
For there'll be peace when you are done  
Lay your weary head to rest  
Don't you cry no more*

 

Song:   
Carry on Wayward Son  
Kansas


End file.
